Employed By Force!

Being unemployed and actively searching for a job opens your eye to the different sides of corporate Nigeria, or Lagos. Well, let’s just stick to the Island for now (job-seeking on the mainland has not been explored by this writer).

So, you get a couple of sure portals where you can find vacancies, update and rebrand your CV, then you start shoving your skills in the faces of serious and unserious employers.

As a veteran job seeker, if you see any interview invite from Acme road, Surulere road and some funny-sounding places around Ikeja, please just delete the message or better still, reply with profanities.

If you are unsure, checkup comments on Nairaland because if you end up going for the interview and you are gullible enough to continue with the nonsense that goes on in those places, you might end up as one of those funny-looking fellows with oversized shirts and maltreated shoes stopping random strangers on the road and telling them to come for a seminar where they would learn to make more money than Zuckerberg from the comfort of their abode in Okokomaiko.

Sometimes you get lucky and get interviews from proper organizations:  some might be healthy, and others might not be. Some might be up to date (digitally), while others will do interviews with paper and biro (we’ll come to this in subsequent “gists”)

So about this company in question, I got a mail for the interview somewhere in V.I, not far from Eko Hotel. It’s a new-generation real estate company selling land in the Ibeju-Lekki axis. I got my starched “Senator” outfit with a fedora to match. These days, looking like you own the place might get you the job.

I got to the place and was ushered into a waiting room. After a few minutes, I was taken to the office of the Senior HR and we were joined by the Junior HR and the Head of the Department I applied for. After going through my CV and having a conversation, I could tell they were impressed.

“So Mr. Baboon, how much would you charge us for your services?” the Junior HR, Bolaji asked.

“N200,000… because I know…”

“We have a budget of N80,000 for that position,” the Senior HR, Ada interjected.

I started laughing near-hysterically.

“What’s funny?” Bolaji asked.

“That’ less than half of what I was earning at the last place I worked at. And I resigned from that job!”.

Ada: But that’s our budget.

Baboon: And I understand… and I politely decline the offer.

Bolaji: I think you should think about it.

Baboon: Ah! I’m not thinking about it o!

*general laughter*

Ada: Just think about it and get back to Bolaji by C.O.B.

Baboon: Okay.

After a few more minutes of awkward conversation and pleasantries, I shook hands and headed home, adding the episode to the funny experiences I have had in life.

I got home, drank water and went about minding my business.

Later in the evening, at about past 7pm, my friend C The Rebel joined me and I shared the gist with him. Being the stupid person that he is, Rebel manufactured many jokes from my experience.

While we were at it, I received a mail from Bolaji. I had been offered the job. The pay was N120,000 gross.

Baboon: Bro you no go believe wetin just happen.

C The Rebel: Wetin?

Baboon: Those people just send me employment letter o!

C The Rebel: Na lie! For this kain night? Which kain criminal operation be that?

Baboon: I tire, my brother!

C The Rebel: What of the rubs? Na that same 80k?

Baboon: No, na 120 Gees but na gross, If dem do their commotings, e go be like 110

C The Rebel: Na wa o!

Baboon: But if you reason am, e go well based on short-time

C The Rebel: Short-time as per Quash?

Baboon: Wetin be quash?

C The Rebel: Knacks!

Baboon: Fooooool!

C The Rebel: So, short-time as as how?

Baboon: Fost of fost, I dey jobless. I go collect one-ten for soft work and free internet. I go use their internet apply for better jobs, do my Google certifications and my side hustles

C The Rebel: Abi?

Baboon: Shey?

And that’s what I did.

I accepted the offer, applied for and got a better job, got 3 Google certifications and was working on the 4th, secured a small freelance job and resigned after a day after collecting my first salary.

Photo by Joshua Oluwagbemiga on Unsplash

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