It was a Sunday. I was just getting out of bed with a thick, sexy damsel who had come to give me joy. I went to the fridge to get something to smoke and drink, wetin man go do? Body no be firewood. As the country hard like this, I cannot come and go and kill myself by myself and die for nothing.
I reached for the bottle of Flirt Vodka in the fridge and poured some until my glass was half-full. I threw it all down my throat and refilled the glass. I was rolling up when my phone rang. It was General; we were supposed to see later in the day. I had completely forgotten.
“How far? We still dey see today ba?”
“Na why I been call you sef. I no go get chance for that afternoon time wey we suppose see today. Shey you fit prepare make you follow me go church. I go pick you for Ikota side. After that we go go Arab side. We fit gist for there.”
“Okay now. Make I know when you dey show.”
I’m not a religious person, so church is not my thing, but I agreed to go with him because it’s been a while we saw and we had some important things to discuss.
Few hours later and we were in church – The Water Brook, One of the new hip-hop churches that litter the island. The service was boring me to death so I picked up my phone and started surfing the internet. As I was busy clicking away, I noticed Wizkid and Linda Ikeji were having a social media standoff. I did a quick investigation and left the matter like that.
After the service, we left to see Arab in Gbagada. We ate and drank and started gisting. We were joined by Big Ben. Around 2pm, we headed back to the Island. I was still thinking about the booty I had left at home when General’s car started acting up close to the first toll gate. The car was low on fuel. So it was suggested that we queued up for fuel.
We joined the queue which was as long as the length of the New York marathon. It stretched from after the toll gate to Lekki Phase 1. It was a hellish experience. We kept ourselves company with gist; we talked about NEPA, Buhari, heat, school, NEPA, Buhari, heat, mutual friends, Buhari, NEPA, heat, social media and what have you.
About 4 hours later, General brought up the Linda vs Wizkid issue. Unknown to me, they had all been quietly following up the exchange between the two “celebrities.” Me? Which one concern me? My mind is always focused on other serious things. From the first few exchanges I had seen when I was in church, I deduced the following:
- Just like many artistes and celebrities, Wizkid has an outstanding problem with Linda
- Linda published a story about Wizkid getting a quit notice from the Lekki home he had claimed to buy.
- Wizkid, instead of addressing the aforementioned issue, stormed Linda Ikeji’s Instagram page and rained insults and vulgarities on her.
- The rest should not concern me!
“Ömo Wizkid finish Linda o,” General started.
“Abegi! Which finish? Wizkid wey dey misyarn,” Ben retorted
“Make I hear word, na because you dey always spread mat for her page na im make you dey support am. She no dey ever write better thing about celebs. Na only when bad thing happen she go carry lappy dey press rubbish,” Arab fired.
“Wizkid scatter Linda men! E say hin director been peruse her apparatus. Say her kpekus dey smell.”
“So if you be Wizkid, you no go ginger Linda after she write rubbish about you?” General questioned.
“Omo, I go address the issue wey dem accuse me of. Why dem no go kpansh Linda? She no be human being? Even Holy Mary been later collect preek from Joseph. Wizkid wey dey talk already get baby mama. Make e shut up hin rubbish mouth. Dwarf like am,” Ben fired back
“You no well I swear! No be lie you talk o! But Wizkid get bad mouth,” General replied
“Ehen. Baboon! You just dey one side dey press phone since. You no go put mouth for the matter. Everytime you go dey form intellectual,” Arab said with bright eyes.
“Omo una get strength o,” I started.
“Una no well I swear. But I go talk my own first. Linda dey find traffic. Wizkid story go give am traffic. As a professional, wetin Wzikid suppose do na to issue press release to address the issue.”
“Ayuwa! Better person don talk as e suppose be,” Ben quipped.
“What Wizkid did is what they call deflection tactics in psychology,” I continued. “In saner climes….
“Professor Baboon… finish us with grammar! E say na deflection tactics. E don turn am to football. Which one be the second one?,” General jested.
“E say na saner climes. Baboon.. if you talk this kain English for your village, dem go make you king I swear,” Arab added to the mockery.
“Una don make am shut up now. Baboon abeg finish the saner climes,” it was Ben who spoke this time around.
“Una no well I swear. Well in saner societies, Pepsi, Globacom and other brands which Wizkid represents would have dropped him as a brand ambassador, distanced themselves from him and issued a statement to that effect in less than 6 hours. But this country na animal farm.”
“But where una fall my hand na say inside this fuel queue wey we don dey for almost 5 hours na im una get the strength to talk about Linda and Wizkid. Me keep puna for house wey I suppose run into, I just dey wait make our turn reach before conji go finish for my body.”
“Dey there now. Abeg who Linda vs Wizkid don epp get fuel? Who e epp?,” I asked.
“Nobody o!” they all chorused.
We remained on the queue for hours. And the Linda vs Wizkid beef did not epp us get fuel quick!
I.R Baboon is a mediocre writer, journalist by mistake, media gate-crasher, part-time rapper, aspiring revolutionary!