Visiting Relatives

Back from Enugu; Uncle Sam’s house.

On my way to Lagos; Uncle Joe’s house.

But I go first branch Awka, reach my sist house. Make I stay small, make I chop free food. No be plate? I go wash. I go mop house. Sweep everywhere, e go be like dem vacuum am. Wash car for morning before she go jab as long as she find me something before she goes out. I go iron her husband shirt, even wash im pant, polish im shoes, even polish the rack. Go errands, run faster than Usain would. Wash all their clothes, wash their bathroom too as long as I get something from their two.

I will not chat in their presence. I will not frown in their presence. I will read the Bible and speak so eloquent. What is pidgin? I don’t even know it. I don’t want their kids learning that from me. I will organise home lesson for their kids.When I go out, I’ll buy them plenty gifts. Who cares if it’s 10 naira biscuits? As long as they tell their Dad good things about me. I will laugh at their jokes, even if I’m the butt of it. When they offer me beer, I’ll ask for orange juice. I’ll change generator oil and service the engines so they can find me some money. I’ll compliment their clothes and food. I’ll wake the kids up and prepare them for school. I’ll weed the garden and never be rude just so dey can find me something to hold. You may think I’m a leech, I’m no good, say I sit all day just eating food but man must survive after suffer for school. When no job dey come my way any soon, man got to buy recharge cards to call. Man got to dey change boxers and other stuff. I don apply up and down, still no work dey come. I got to find a way to help myself before I run mad.

So whether dey invite me or not to come house. I’m visiting all my relatives, one by one.

Chuck Norris

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