Die, Die, Fall Down And Die

Ike agwugo m!

Henceforth, I am no longer job-hunting. O gini di? I will just relax joorh, what will be will be. But wait o! I wan marry Ifunanya in a few years time. Already, she is complaining of her biological clock or what is it called? I once promised to buy her a new one when I hammer but she landed me a pretty hot and sexy slap. Maybe it is not my destiny to even get married sef, why stress it? I will just relax, what’s the worst that will happen?

Ajanaku no dey gree me rest sha. Recently, he has been trying to force me into going for midweek church service with him. Since he had a dream where he had seen an old haggard woman sitting on my degree certificate while she bit my NYSC certificate, he had become certain my problem was a spiritual one. According to him, Prophetess Oku n’ere ere was the solution to my troubles. He had tried forcing me to go see her in the office but my response had always been a big ‘no’. Ajanaku no dey gree sha, he has been on the matter since then. He once threatened to bring her to my house. ‘If Mohammed no go mountain, mountain go go Mohammed,’ he had said with a gap-toothed smile. I had immediately warned him to consider our friendship to be over if he ever tried such a stupid thing.

I had made up my mind to follow him for midweek service this Wednesday. I was proving tough on the outside but inside I had started believing the notion that my problem was indeed spiritual. How can people I was way smarter than in school secure jobs while I am still at home going to grind beans and tomatoes for my mother? How come I had no girlfriend? Ajanaku had once joked that my conji was so severe that my sperm will soon become powdered. How come I don’t even get called for aptitude tests? I would prefer to write some and fail them than not even being considered good enough to write the tests. I must have been jinxed no doubt.

Before we got close to the gate of the church, I already knew there was indeed fire on the mountain. I could hear ‘die, die, fall down, and die’ from the bus-stop. The service was epic; mouth odor, fragrances of body odors, men and women forcing themselves to speak in tongues, candles of various colors and shapes were all in attendance too. Even Ajanaku was speaking in tongues and rolling all over the ground, wonders shall never end.

I woke up around 12:00 noon the next day after a rigorous service the previous night. Ajanaku said I had been muttering ‘die, die, die, fall down and die’ while I slept. ‘The amount of saliva wey dey roll out of your mouth as you dey sleep fit full one Geepee tank o,’ he mocked. After yawning repeatedly and laughing like a madman at my friend’s jokes, I put on my laptop so as to send in some fresh job applications afterall Prophetess had burnt my enemies with plenty screams of ‘fire, fire, fire’.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash