Sperm Is The New Crude

Squeeze, squeeze, release and cease. Yea, that’s how he says he wanks.

Masturbation has been his thing for the past 8 months or so. He says he has not shagged any lady since he completed his NYSC programme. Being broke and jobless simply meant that all the ladies who flocked around him during his University years and service year were no were to be found. Dona has promised he won’t stress it. To relieve himself off the sexual stress he has been facing, he now frequents the bathroom and has invested more in soaps of various shapes, sizes and fragrances.

Dona is my very good friend but trust me, I am not like him. I look for ways to milk every situation. How can I be wasting my sperm and flushing it down the pipes like Dona? I try to make some dough no matter how little from every opportunity. I have also not had sex since I became a ‘nobody’. What hurts me most is that I can’t even get ‘head’ from my closest female buddies. But I no go waste my sperm lai lai!

After visiting some hospitals in Eko, I realized that male fertility has significantly declined in recent times. This meant that the demand for sperm donors was on the increase. Sadly, few Nigerian men were willing to donate their groin gravy. What this meant is that the few available donors got paid handsome fees for a just a couple ejaculations.

“Dona, you go don wank like five times today ba?”

“Nwanne, conji bukwa bastard,” he exclaimed while shaking his head.

“You don ever realize say na your unborn kids you dey flush for bathroom?”

I then went on to tell him about the fertility centre in Ojuelegba and what the obstetrician had told me about the need for more Nigerians to donate their sperm to the fellows who have a low-sperm count. In the absence of volunteer donors, he had told me that the few available donors charge as much as 50,000 Naira.

Dona’s eyes lit up and I can swear I saw saliva roll out of his mouth which was now agape. I am sure his loin must have swollen up too in excitement; that I didn’t see.

“Abeg, how much per ejaculation?” Dona asked.