Me: Hey, Bayo! Bawo ni?
Edward: Omo, I just dey o. Suffer head too much for this my area.
Me: How your package be?
Edward: Check your BBM. An opening is up; try and apply.
Me: Aii. Later.
That was my chat with a close neighbour of mine who works with one MNC. He had stumbled on a recent job vacancy on the Internet.
I had no option than to apply. I quickly grabbed my PC and Google-searched the name of the firm. Soon, I hit the SEND button on the application website of the company.
I was skeptical though. How could an acclaimed multinational have this crappy website interface? Just one domain name yet opening each tab seems like accessing totally different websites.
“Wetin man go do kwanu? All of them join,” I said silently while hibernating my PC.
Few weeks later, I read a correspondence from T-Rack Africa inviting me for a panel interview at their headquarters.
Whether I rode or flew, it made no difference. I quickly found myself at the “corporation”. Hmmm, I quickly bore the name, Stevie Wonder. “Is this the Company? Maybe it’s a new firm as they claimed,” I wondered a million times.
We were few candidates that honoured the invite. I was lucky…sorry, I think I merited it. It was my turn, so I quickly took bold steps into the Conference room.
There were quite a number of the members of the panel that I could recognize because I had read a little about the company and their core staff members a night before.
Chairing the panel was the Chief Manager, opposite him was the Head Of Operation and finally, I think I saw the Human Resource Assistant too.
Me: Good day, everyone (not what I said o. I tried to coordinate by greeting everyone professionally)
Manager: Well, you should count yourself lucky to be part of this Arabian Company that is about to take off here in Africa. Your application managed to sail through. We think we like your CV and other feats.
Me: Thank you, Sir. (“Shey I talk am since. Arabian? If I hear!! Please go straight to the point na,” I kept saying those in my mind)
Manager: This company is known as T-Rack Africa. We are the fastest moving pharmaceutical company. Founded three decades ago. She quickly introduced all the members of the panel and she continued reciting her poems.
Me: Very well. Thank you. (By this time, it had dawned on me that all those actions films and forming were just a hoax. I just dey watch am make she dey wash her own head by herself).
Manager: You will have to opportunity to tour the world touching lives with these our product. You will be trained and allotted a car and a house and other incentives that will aide your work output.
First, you will work as a field business development expert. You should have a target to meet, you know? Your catchment area with be just be the whole Lagos. Infact, work starts immediately.
Me: (I just they look am in 3D. Chei! Stop lying. Stop lying for Africa! Only you and this big lie? Me?…field business development expert? Just the whole Lagos? Please, just tell me it is marketing. Stop confusing me!)
Manager: I will discuss with others on how to meet any demand you need.
Sitting beside was the Head Of Operation. He interrupted.
Head of Operation: We have a huge task ahead, and all heads…sorry hands must be on deck! You’ll be given some drugs to maximize your expertise on them, and afterwards declare your returns.
Me: (I talk am na! It’s a hoax. The way they talked, they can lie to make the Africa believe them. They can lie for Africa. They can lie to the world on behalf of Africa sef.)
I suddenly spoke out.
Me: But, what exactly is my job?
The Human Resource Assistant answered me swiftly.
Human Resource Manager: You actually applied to be a medical personnel but we finally decided to upgrade you to a Field Business Development Expert. That position isn’t to excite you, anyway. There is work ahead.
Me: Okay sir. (“How nice,” I said in my mind)
Manager: We’ve spent so much time on interviewing you. You seem to be a special candidate. Before I forget, this company has many brands of which majorly you’d be handling one. You will be in charge of our GMLD Ultra modern products. We switch brands here too after sometime.
You’ll start off immediately. You may wish to sort things out with the logistics personnel on your way out.
Me: Okay, Sir. (I smiled on my way out. Imagine me and this people again? Beautiful nonsense!)
I walked out of the room with rage. “Did they think I came here to play? You for kuku use your church mind give me store to manage instead of telling me I will be walking around ‘just the whole Lagos’ marketing one Arabian product like that,”I thought almost aloud. People can lie sha.
“Mr Afolayan, come dispatch the report,” the General Manager ordered the Chief Manager.
I turned around to see what was actually happening. It wasn’t even a report as anyone would think. There were poorly packaged, inferior, consumer-good products that he asked him to coordinate. He is even a “field business development expert” himself too.
Mtchewww! Beautiful nonsense. I just wasted my energy and time. I’m not surprised sef.
Afo-lie-on indeed! You can lie for Africa!!