Bushmon In Shoprite

“Baboon, that shayo still remain abi you don lick am finish? You know say e no dey hard you to guzzle brew,” my friend Wheels barked, disrupting the Top Eleven Football Manager game I was playing on my laptop.

“E remain small, V been don almost wan sip am finish, but Dash been invoke am come their side.” I replied.

He headed for the kitchen and returned with the whiskey and a glass shot.

“Abeg pass me herbs make I wunjure myself before these girls kill me before my time,” he said with a huge sigh.

“Wetin happen wey you dey ginger umu nwaanyi?” I asked as I passed him the roll of pot I was smoking.

“Wait fes make I meet up,” Wheels said, taking a deep drag and puff. I waited patiently. He took 3 more deep drags before nodding like a demon-possessed herbalist.

“Omo na that shuma o. You remember that sushi wey I been block for Owode? The wan wey carry Kaka as Jesus take carry the sins of the world.”

I nodded.

“I don format her memory card finish o. E come remain make we meet up. Blow bar small, then go quash. Na so the whole skelewu start o. I been wan make we go mall, chew pizza, get one or two then go see movie o. Then if we finish, enter Carleton Hotel make we quash.”

At this point, Wheels had my full attention. Not until V walked in and blurted: “Wey the herbs wey I been keep? Baboon I go scrub you one day o. If na your own, you go hide am like reverend sister kpekus.”

I and Wheels burst out laughing.

An increasingly irritated V continued: “Wetin happen, I dey reason una something wey dear, una dey use me catch cruise. That one dey sha.”

“Obob chill. Nothing dey this life.  No think am. I been don tell Ice make e pick issues when e dey show back. Oya kiss inside this claro before hin show. Brew sef go show, so kulu temper. If you burst my head now, wetin you wan tell police? Say na because of marijuana you scatter my mental. Relax. Life na nwayo nwayo.”

Just as V was collecting the weed from me, Ice walked in with more merchandise. I jumped to my feet saying, “Ice don show, Vee abeg collect blaw make you free me, Wheels dey give me better gist. Abeg tell me as e dey go better person.”

“Leave V. See as e dey ginger for hin smoking right. E remain make e carry placard join the matter,” Wheels started.

“As I been dey yarn, na so I go pick the babe o. As we dey go, na so the girl begin jabo. Babe wey I feel say soft, I no know say na major bushmon. But I say make I lock up, maybe I no dey hear well.

“As we reach the place now, I say make we enter go do pizza. As dem bring am come, na so she shout AH PIZZARD. I kuja! E be like make I leave am run. She just dey talk pizzard up and down, I wan die.

“E no finish for there o! As we finish I say make we enter Shoprite so we fit pick one or two, maybe chicken or pork, biscuit and drinks wey we go dey down as we dey watch the movie. Na there I fuck up finish. As we enter, the okpeke begin pick some kain miraculous things.”

We burst out laughing.

“Which one be miraculous things again?” Ice questioned.

“E be like na anointing oil she pick!” I quipped.

Everyone laughed.

Wheels continued: “E for better if na that one she carry. Omo the babe wan use me cure her Buhari-era craze o. E be like blue film. She first go jack tomato. My head burst. That one  no do am o. She go dey lift raw meat, packet of maggi. I no fit shout.”

“She for kuku cook soup now!” V joined in on the mockery.

“Na God save me say ugu no dey the on sale for there. I for hear am. She pick bread, milk, milo and tea things join o. I just dey look am. The babe no get joy.”

“Wetin come happen for the movie side?” I asked.

“Which movie? I just give am my ATM make she pay for her soup ingredients. I go wait for am outside. As she come outside, na so I put am for cab dey go.”Wheels explained.

“Una no quash?” I asked.

“Quash bomb! Na him I don come back house?.. Na only God know the one she for do for the hotel.”

“But you for follow am go house make una cook the soup together now,” V teased

“Na thunder go fire all of una.”