The Guy Who Didn’t Fuck For Money

I close my ears to what these guys keep saying.
They say I am nuts and have gone crazy.
People wey dey squat for my house, people I’m helping dey preach.
Telling me to change the way I’m acting.
I just dey laugh, maybe I go let hunger beat am small.
Make hunger wire am like soldier wey drink small.
Or make e knack him head like drums wey don spoil.
Cos the food I dey feed am dey clog him brain no be small.
Na im make na when he chop finish, he go start to talk.
Open belle, face television and start to yarn dust.
“Chuck, leave that woman she no good at all
“God’s time is the best, you need wait on the Lord
“Remember not everything that shines is gold”

You see? I am jobless. The country hard no be small
My shoes dey sole-less, I don trek no be small.
I lost my soul, depression hold me for neck.
No akara spot wey you no go see my resume for.
So when I see this job, I grab am with force.
Well, no be job per se but e dey pay the bills.
I see job application and so I went to the place to see this fat fair woman that is their MD.
Surprisingly, na only boys dey allowed in.
As interview start, she say she can’t hear me.
She said I should draw closer, next thing she start touch me.
As a sharp guy, me I code, I can’t fall hand.
I just start to negotiate price and the schedule.
When hunger don beat you as e beat me, you fit sleep with anything.
As long as e bring money.

So as my friend dey advise, I dey look am.
Humans like to reap where they don’t sow
This my friend here, he came to visit more than a month ago.
He said he get interview the next day or so.
Can’t remember exactly, it’s been too long ago.
He borrowed my suit, shirt, tie and still wear my shoe.
Unfortunately for him, he didn’t get the job.
Unfortunately for me, he refused to go.
Now, I am stuck with this nigga that would not let me rest.
Everyday, he is telling me to change my ways.
To stop fucking the fat woman, saying it is a sin.
‘The body is the temple of the holy spirit,’ he says.
But when I buy suya, na him dey first pick.
When, I buy drink na im dey first sip.
Last Sunday sef, na me give am offering.
But still na me he dey practice how to be pastor on top.
Please help me tell this guy to not come back from church.
Since he likes church well well, he fit dey chop communion.

Photo by Torsten Dederichs on Unsplash

Chuck Norris

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