Off To The Seminary

No work, plenty certificates, little cash. Still living hand to mouth but on Instagram, man got to stay classy. I used to be very religious but these days, man is only spiritual. I hardly go to church, I don’t have enough trendy clothes to be a church fashionista. I don’t have money for those offertory processions. Why do people even have to go seat by seat to drop their offerings? To avoid the shame of being the only one left on my pew during offertory processions, I have not been attending mass for sometime now.

Well, I was in church last week. I had a job interview coming up and I had to draw closer to God. I tried to put on the best cloth in my wardrobe but that too wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t left alone on the pew, I danced with other members of the congregation with my right hand squeezed so tight together. You would think I was going to punch someone. When I danced to the collection box, I emptied my empty hand into it and then danced even harder towards my seat.

Mass was technically over but the priest held on to the final blessings. He was waiting for thanksgivings to be concluded. Forget recession oh, there are rich people in this country. At least families came forward for thanksgiving this Sunday. One after the other, each family danced to the altar with various exotic items. The first family came forward with a fattened ram, various non-alcoholic beverages, a bag of rice and rolls of tissue papers. I caught the priest smiling when he saw the ram but almost immediately he switched to a frown. Of course, he needed that sanctimonious I-am-a-man-of-God look lest the congregation might consider him to be materialistic. The next family came forward with baskets of fruits, crates of eggs, a rechargeable fan and a few other items. As the third family made their way towards the aisle, I had already lost focus.

I would have left the church long ago but I had to wait for that final blessing and concluded prayer. My sister had often told me how important the final blessing is. I needed every form of blessing I could get ahead of the upcoming interview. All I could now think about was how stupid I was not to have attended a major seminary. I was literally envying priests at this point. Is it the free food? Is it the free booze? Is it the free accommodation? Could it be the free cars? Or the fact that they don’t have to bother about paying tuition fees and providing for biological children or a wife? The only thing they could probably be missing is sex. Well, that’s not a big deal. Some of us wey no be priests no dey even see kpansh.

I was thrown back to reality when I noticed another priest and some laity members making a procession into the church. As soon as they arrived the altar, I let out a long hiss and walked towards the door as quickly as I could.