When you get invited for a job interview, the first thing any sensible person does is to re-check the organization online (if you didn’t do so before sending the application). This is to give you a better idea of what you might be in for. Are you going to be employed to salvage a bad situation? Are you going to pick up from where one dope ass left off?
This is what I did when I got an invite to an interview with an aviation firm (names withheld, okay let’s call it Sai Baba, One Jobless Boy and Company – SBOJBAC for short) in VI. After looking at their digital presence, I figured that the company must be an old one, capable of footing its bills but not looking to break any new industry grounds… Just doing the regular flight and bookings, visa facilitation and acting as fronts for some bigger, lazier industry player.
On the day of the interview, I rocked a blue short-sleeve shirt, black pants, black loafers and a red fedora hat. Grabbed a cold bottle of water and booked my Uber – interview time na 12, traffic no dey so spending extra N700 on transport to look importanter no be bad thing.
A little over 2 hours later, a disgruntled me was leaving the place.
Keke ₦100 to Lekki, Bus ₦200 to Ajah, Keke ₦100 to Badore… Udo Gba Shoe!!!
Got into the crib and was welcomed to a cloud of marijuana smoke being emitted from the mouth of my homeboy, Jimmy.
Baboon: Guy, you for no like open window or door make some of this smoke play comot?
Jimmy: So after all these years, you no know say na air-tight chimney things dey sweet pass. Upon say you start to smoke when Jacob still dey do boy-boy for Laban
Baboon: Who be Laban?
Jimmy: Rachel P-man for Bible. After you go say you be Christian. Even me wey be upcoming dibia sabi that one.
Baboon: Idiot, you sha know say this smoke dey enter your lungs, and that thing no be window. E no dey go anywhere
Jimmy: Bro no worry, all man go die. Wetin be the need of dying healthy? Die na die.
Baboon: True talk. With these few points, you have been able to convince me to join you. Pass me kpo!
Jimmy: Wetin sup for where you go wey body dey scratch you?
Baboon: Omo e be like pensioners club. Dem first leave me, I siddon for like 45 minutes, when no be civil service. I no talk anything. Na im one mahle like that show come give me paper and biro. Carry me from reception wey manage get AC go one meeting room like this wey the AC don kpoof. The conference table be like dining table. The woman still get mind tell me say make I feel at home.
Jimmy: No be you talk say dining table dey there? She no talk bad thing now. Feel at home, dinner is coming, son!
Baboon: Ode. As I look the paper, na some jonzing logic and arithmetic questions. I don answer like 12 when I say make I use Google help out small with clue for the next question. Na im I find out say dem just go print one foreign questionnaire. I no get strength. I just copy all. As I feel say e don finish. I see the one wey burst my skull.
Jimmy: Oya hit Me!
Baboon: Dem ask me say Number 1. “Evaluate the Buhari administration using his campaign promises as scale for success. Number 2. “If you have the opportunity to have a One be One conversation with President Buhari , what three points would you raise as topics for discussion”.
Jimmy: Wait fes… which one be One be One again?
Baboon: Na how many of these white guys dey call One On One these days.
Jimmy: Na wa o. So wetin you come write because I know say you and Buhari no dey go one way. Talk less of One be One deying.
Baboon: Omo I write better essay giam o! Two full pages to convey my anger at the stupid test wey person gats write wey no concern work wey person wan do. Just because of kpa.
Jimmy: Oya Write for the Kpa! Shekpe!
Baboon: Person fit never tell you before, but you need dey pretend say you get sense once once.
Jimmy: Wetin else come sup for the old people’s home?
Baboon: Dem say na 60k dem wan pay
Jimmy: Per Week?
(We both burst out laughing)
Jimmy: But wetin concern Buhari administration and the job wey you apply for?
Baboon: Zilch, Nada, Nothing… absolutely nothing o!
Jimmy: So when you dey start work?
Baboon: Your fagbon!