A former colleague of mine had just been made the head of the digital media publishing arm of a big Nigerian company – a tech firm which recently acquired one of the biggest online shopping platforms. It was good news and I hit him up to congratulate him.
Midway through this conversation, he hinted at a position he would like me to occupy. I agreed and forwarded my refurbished CV to HR and his immediate superior and was invited for a meeting.
On the D-day, I stepped out kacked up in a blue and red Abercrombie and Fitch striped shirt with black Zara pants featuring a razor-sharp crease and Gucci shoes ready to kill dem Sha! The stew on the white rice was Obasanjo’s autobiography which I was reading at the time!
Dia what? Dia Fada!!!
Got to the venue and was ushered to the 5th Floor. Had a brief chat with Jacob (the former colleague), the aforementioned boss, Godwin, and one other guy that really didn’t know much but tried to save face by agreeing to almost what everybody said. 45 minutes later, we were done and I was told to come for a meeting with the HR in two days.
Two days later – a Friday – I added a waistcoat to my paraphernalia. Got to the office in Gbagada and was taken to a large office with many staff. After an introduction with the Junior HR, a wide-eyed young lady in her late 20s, I was given a piece of paper and told to wait for the Senior HR. I quickly glanced at the paper and saw something about ethics and conduct, punctuality and kinikan kinikan. While still trying to figure what it was all about, small madam asked if I needed a pen.
“Pen for what kwanu?” I asked myself. That was when I saw it:
“ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS
DURATION: 30 MINUTES. “
I almost burst out laughing.
I comported myself and asked for a pen. She brought a Leo Smart ballpoint pen. I collected the pen whilst wondering what I was doing with paper and biro during a job interview in digital media. The test was divided into 3 parts: The first part I saw about ethics was an essay with questions, then there was something like quantitative reasoning and finally, I get to write an essay of my own.
I started laughing.
“Is there a problem?” Shola, the Junior HR asked.
“No, I’m fine”.
As I was rounding up, the Senior HR walked in. I submitted my “Entrance Examination” and had a brief chat with Godwin, Jacob, and Chioma, the Senior HR. Finances and every other thing was put in set up and I even went to meet the team I would be working with.
As I was leaving, Jacob told me that “The Chairman is not in town, he would have signed your employment letter and you will start on Monday”.
ME: I don’t understand
GIDEON: The CEO has to sign your employment letter
ME: Oh! Ok… And this must be done physically?
JACOB: Yeah
ME: No digital copy of such employment letters?
JACOB + GIDEON: *Shrugs*
ME: Well, no problems… You have my mail and number; update me when something comes up.
After a week, I called Jacob and got the same Chairman story so I gave up.
Two weeks later, I got a call from Jacob. I excitedly picked the call and heard
“Hi Baboon”
“I’m fine”
“Sorry for the delay o”
“It’s fine… so what’s the update?”
“Chairman is not yet back o!”
“No wahala… I dey”
“Abeg no apply for another job o. I really need you here!”
“Nothing, I dey for you”
4 days later I accepted another offer and moved on with my life.
I never heard from them again. Probably Chairman died where he traveled to and the company stopped employing people… FOREVER because last I checked the page no longer existed on social media.
So yeah… Chairman must be dead!
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