“Ain’t no party like a Lagos party ‘cos when Lagos parties, we don’t bother nobody” – Banky W (2009).
People still get bored on Saturdays? Na wa o!
One of the benefits of being a taxpayer in Lagos is that you can gatecrash a party and not feel guilty about it.
The only invitation to those owambe parties is hearing the sound of the music. Dress up and follow the music until you arrive safely at your destination.
Now that you have gotten to your destination, here are a few ways to go about being a professional mogbomoya:
Pull an Ebuka: Show up in your best native attire. Even if the cloth costs 3000 Naira, make sure it was well starched and don’t be afraid to steal the show.
No need to balance the slay, just look your best.
Pick that phone call: As you walk in, act like you are on a call and while you are at it, keep looking around for the best and most strategic seat. You don’t want to sit where they will serve you nothing but a toothpick.
As soon as you locate the best possible seat, sit down and end the imaginary call while wearing a straight face still.
Stay social: Don’t be too shy to engage those who are seating next to you. When guests smile, smile too. When they clap, clap too. Try to forget you gate crashed, just convince yourself you were invited. Remain cool, calm and collected.
Smile and welcome people who join your table but keep a straight face if they become too inquisitive.
Act selflessly: It’s now time to eat and drink. As the waiters and waitresses move about, be the advocate on your table. Ask them what they want and make sure they are all served. Act like you are fighting for their rights even though you are only fighting for your tummy.
When those serving meals and drinks see how you are fighting patiently for others, it will be instructive to them that you are not a comrade to toil with. Don’t be surprised that you will be served even before those who bought asoebi.
Emergency call: Exactly 15 minutes after you are done eating and drinking to your fill, it’s time to check your phone and scroll through.
This might feel awkward but now, stand up. Just stand up, you are overstaying your
welcome. Now, pick up a call again and start walking towards the exit. Don’t walk too fast or your move becomes too suspicious. Walk like you paid for the hall or you risk burning all the food too fast.
You are welcome🎤. Now, go forth and flourish!