Poor Pretender

“Being blunt doesn’t pay,” you say to yourself as you spark yet another blunt.

Your head spins and it’s more than just the emotional rollercoaster you’ve been through. The regrets come rushing in. You wonder if you could have fared better if you were a good pretender. You knew you may never be a contender but you never thought something this good will be so short-lived.

You don’t know if diplomacy would save your sorry arse. Diplomacy that couldn’t save the diplomat in Indonesia. For a moment, you wish amnesia upon yourself. You want to forget the good times so bad the memories are still so fresh and keep rushing in. You’ve never felt this way before and you’re at your weakest. Indeed, love is a drug. Looks like you dug your grave.

The consequences of her absence are so grave. You can barely concentrate. The more you try to take your mind away from your predicament, the more you miss her. Strength is so overrated. You look at the mirror and all you see is a vulnerable man. You look at the mirror and tears roll down your cheeks but you remember society says “man up”.

You wonder what you could have done differently. You wish you were a better pretender who could wear a mask to conceal his emotions. But that’s not you. That will be you being untrue to yourself. 

Well, thunder fire self if this is what comes with being authentic.

Photo by Jakob Rosen on Unsplash